Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

What a weekend! What a weekend. What a…weekend?

You don’t even know the half of it. After finally getting my apartment clean enough to have company I did the one thing that I haven’t done in over 6 years…I invited someone over…permanently. Yes that’s right, my boyfriend has officially moved in <insert cheerful expletive here>.

It’s not like I don’t want him here, cause I do. But the boxes…there’s just so many damn boxes! And what the hell is even in ’em? RANDOMNESS…that’s what. Not just any old randomness; randomness that EYE have to make room for. He kept this white mini-flashlight, but tossed a cast-iron skillet (you need me to wait while you figure this out too? Ok take your time…). I don’t even know how to live with a man anymore. I know it’s the next logical step in the progression of our relationship, but that has nothing to do with cleaning up those freshly shaven beard hairs outta my sink! Anyways, while he was sleeping I got to thinking. Despite paranoia of falling into the toilet during one of my late night bathroom runs, I realize that there are actually plenty of pluses to living with my Love Lump:

1. He’s a human carry-all. From groceries…to trash…to me the baby…he carries everything up the steps and in the house. Now if I can only get him to put the canned goods in the right cabinet…

2. He’s a live-in exterminator. No matter when or where. When I scream, he’s there…shoe raised to the high heavens and all. Kinda like the Orkin man…if the Orkin man got paid in BJs.

3. He’s my personal life jacket. Okay so you know how when you have one on and you’re in the ocean and it feels like you’re gonna drown at any moment so you start fighting the water only to realize that your head never went below the surface? You don’t? Oh.

4. Sex. Deep sex. Floor sex. Jacuzzi tub sex. Kitchen counter sex. Oral sex. Hurry-up-I-think-the-baby-is-waking-up sex.

Wait…um…yeah, goodnight folks. 🙂

– Me


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