Back Like the First Time

“Um I know this might be asking much, but do you have any back shots?”

Wait…what? I had to read that again a couple times. Surely this man doesn’t think that I’m gonna text him photos of my booty facing the camera when we haven’t even met in person yet. What planet am I on?

It’s been nearly 2 years since I’ve posted anything. So much has changed with me in such a short amount of time. My boyfriend moved in, I got engaged, called off the engagement, got married, ran a few marathons, got laid off, got divorced, and got fed up. Having been single for most of this year, I decided that I would try to get into online dating. After all, since I’m a single mom I figured it would be a lot easier to meet a new mate through my laptop (my chances of bumping into him at a boughetto day party like brown people do in all those neo-soul videos were slim to none). I set up profiles on four dating sites hoping to type my way into the heart of Mr. Right. Hell, in my head I had already planned out everything from our first interactions to my proposal. My profiles were only active for a few hours and I already had 20+ messages on each site from potential suitors! All I could think was “my future husband is sitting in one of these messages.” I WAS SO WRONG.

I don’t know what’s wrong with men nowadays. Do they not even try anymore? I mean, your very first message to me should not contain dick dimensions. And if my profile clearly says that I’m looking for a man between the ages of 32 and 40, then why on earth would a 67yo retiree email me asking for my hand in marriage? After deleting all the messages from the creeps, the elderly, the young gipper-gappers, the disrespectful niggas, and the men just looking for sex, I was able to actually chat with a few nice men. Long story short, I ended up exchanging numbers with this guy…the one who’s now sitting in my text messages waiting anxiously for pictures of my booty to come through.

I can’t believe he asked me for “back shots”. Not only did he think I’d send him some (which I didn’t), after I informed him that his request made me think he only wanted sex he had the gall to tell me that I “took it the wrong way” . FAIL.

So much for online dating…at least for now.


– Me


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