Author Archives: icebts

Back Like the First Time

“Um I know this might be asking much, but do you have any back shots?”

Wait…what? I had to read that again a couple times. Surely this man doesn’t think that I’m gonna text him photos of my booty facing the camera when we haven’t even met in person yet. What planet am I on?

It’s been nearly 2 years since I’ve posted anything. So much has changed with me in such a short amount of time. My boyfriend moved in, I got engaged, called off the engagement, got married, ran a few marathons, got laid off, got divorced, and got fed up. Having been single for most of this year, I decided that I would try to get into online dating. After all, since I’m a single mom I figured it would be a lot easier to meet a new mate through my laptop (my chances of bumping into him at a boughetto day party like brown people do in all those neo-soul videos were slim to none). I set up profiles on four dating sites hoping to type my way into the heart of Mr. Right. Hell, in my head I had already planned out everything from our first interactions to my proposal. My profiles were only active for a few hours and I already had 20+ messages on each site from potential suitors! All I could think was “my future husband is sitting in one of these messages.” I WAS SO WRONG.

I don’t know what’s wrong with men nowadays. Do they not even try anymore? I mean, your very first message to me should not contain dick dimensions. And if my profile clearly says that I’m looking for a man between the ages of 32 and 40, then why on earth would a 67yo retiree email me asking for my hand in marriage? After deleting all the messages from the creeps, the elderly, the young gipper-gappers, the disrespectful niggas, and the men just looking for sex, I was able to actually chat with a few nice men. Long story short, I ended up exchanging numbers with this guy…the one who’s now sitting in my text messages waiting anxiously for pictures of my booty to come through.

I can’t believe he asked me for “back shots”. Not only did he think I’d send him some (which I didn’t), after I informed him that his request made me think he only wanted sex he had the gall to tell me that I “took it the wrong way” . FAIL.

So much for online dating…at least for now.

 

– Me

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Running on Empty

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When I tell you I’m tired? I mean I’m tired. Well…maybe not tired. More like TAHD. I’ve been feeling extremely lazy lately and I can’t put my finger on the cause. I’m trying my hardest to climb out of this funk I’m in, but all I want to do is sleep…and facebook stalk random people on my friends list (I don’t need to mention that I don’t ever not have enough time for facebook, do I? If I need to, then ummm, yeah forget what I just said.). Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I’m tired. All the time. And all the time…you know the rest. Tabernacle.

Have you ever felt this way? Is this depression? Am I a hypochondriac who wants to believe it’s depression? Something is definitely up. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been as devoted as I really want to be to this blog. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve gotta get a handle on it before I’m sliding around my house with a half-matted fro and fleece socks on…in a mumu. That’s all I got for now.

– Me

<insert your encouraging remarks here>


Doing It Well. Hopefully.

I’ve been finding every excuse in the book not to do it. I’m too busy with work. I don’t have enough money. I want to go back to school. It’s gonna take too much time. Blah blah blah. It took the passing of a high school acquaintance for me to finally realize that the only person getting in the way of my happiness is me. Life is so short. It’s even shorter than that. He might not be picture perfect, but it’s the he in “we” that makes me feel wonderful! Except when he messes up my tupperware cabinet. Then I feel nothing but rage. Wait a minute, I’m off topic here. So, without further adieu…

I’m planning a wedding…MY wedding. GOD help me.

 

– Me


That New-New

Hey Guys & Dolls…it’s been a minute. I know you’ve been wondering “What’s up with her? Where has she been?” Okay, maybe you haven’t. In any event, I figured I’d just drop in and unload a little smidgeon of what’s been on my mind over the last few (yeah…more like eight) months or so.

Since last year I’ve taken up a new hobby — running. No, not running to the cupcake shop either. Long distance running. I’m currently training for the Chicago Marathon in October. I know I know, who the hell WANTS to run 26.2 miles, right? Hell, I’m not even sure how I got myself into this mess. I’ve been on a roll though, so hopefully I can cross the finish line in less time than it took Oprah to do the same.

Anyways, back to the reason I shared this little golden nugget with you. When I’m running, I’m always thinking about random things. Life. Family. Dragonflies — and why they keep hovering around me for no damn reason. During my last race (which was a 10K by the way…I ran the whole thing too…I SAY I RAN THE WHOLE DAMN THANG) my thoughts were out of control. Around mile 4 is when I realized that I am a totally different person than I was a year ago! I don’t know if this is a good or a bad thing just yet, but it’s definitely frightening to say the least. I thought about the various situations that presented themselves to me last year and how I handled or responded to them, and right there on the spot I came up with several reasons why those same responses were stupid as hell. “See what you should’ve said was…” or “See I would’ve done…” is all I kept hearing me tell myself. It’s kind of weird, you know? I feel…strong…empowered…something that I can’t seem to put my finger on. One thing is for sure though, I’m definitely in love with this woman. The new me. Part of it probably has something to do with the fact that she can wear skinny jeans without any stomach hanging over and eating the belt loops. Either way, she’s fab…so far.

What the hell am I going to do now with all of this “new me” floating around? I’m gonna win…that’s what.

– Me


Happy Holi-DEEZ!

‘Tis the season ya’all! Merry Christmahannukwanzaka – wait, did I get em all?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The tree is up, the gifts are wrapped, the gingerbread men are all missing at least one limb (lawd dey good), and we’re packing our bags for a much needed vacation to good ‘ol crime-ridden St. Louis. I can’t front; I’m super excited to be going back home for the holidays. One might think it’s because of the Chinamen that I plan on getting before I even get to my my mom’s house (yes, I will be placing my carry-out order right when we exit the Riverview circle onto 367 so my 1/2 order of ham fried rice and crab rangoon will hit the counter at the exact same time I park the car in the fire lane), but naaa. I absolutely cannot WAIT to see my family!

We are so close, my family and I. My favorite family fun time activity has gotta be our little homemade ornament/scrapbooking session. We pull out all of our old family photos and laugh and sing songs and…aaaaaaaah damn I’M LYING MY ASS OFF! Shiiiiiid I wish this was why I was excited to see the fam. Truth be told, I haven’t had a dose of dysfunctional ratchetasticalness in months so, just like Pookie, they owe me big. Man listen…I would break this all the way down for you but I only have about 10 minutes before this extra-skrenf Theraflu kicks in, so let me tell you what family traditions I’m looking forward to the most this holiday:

1. The Tales of “Sweet Dirt Hill”

See…my mom’s side is from the Souf (i.e. the South for all you free people)…the deep Souf…the red dirt Souf…the “kissin cousins” Souf. Ever heard of “Makeout Mountain”? Well “Sweet Dirt Hill” is my fam’s version of that very myth…only ours actually still exists to this very day. Er’body got their freak on over at Sweet Dirt Hill. These stories are what holidays are made of. Well, except for that one year when we found out that a Sweet Dirt Hill tryst was how my uncle and his fiance could very well be related.

2. The Cooking Contests

I admit, there are some members of my family that are extremely talented culinary artistes. My mom makes the best macaroni & cheese. Stean makes the best sweet potatoe pies. Granny makes the best greens. Tasha makes the best potato salad. Bette makes the best gooey butter cakes. Jack smokes the SHIT out of a turkey (the meat literally falls off the bone into your plate…or your mouth if you can bend down low enough to catch it). With all of these talents, it amazes me how every single damn year er’body wants to try to show off by making a bet that they can cook somebody else’s specialty better than them. Momma, what da HAYLE are you doing making potato salad? And dammit Stean where the pies at? WHERE DA DAMN PIES AT? Look I came to eat…I’on have time for this shit here.

3. The “Get Deez Janky-Ass Kids Away from Dis Damn Table” All Night Tonk Tournaments

The cards usually come out ’bout six-se’m ‘o clock. But don’t get it twisted, my momma has already hit me up for ‘change for a twenty’…mostly $1s of course (cause she likes to bet scared). Around 10pm, after I’ve given myself a headache from laughing so hard, I go to bed. The sugarplum fairies are twerkin’ their lives away when out of nowhere I hear the one line that lets me know the game is officially over: “Francine yo ass was ‘sposed ta throw down! Dammit I coulda spread with dat!!!!” It’s 3am. Ya’all broke asses just NOW decide to end the game? Francine wins every single time though. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I can’t e’em…

So there they are folks. Just a few of my family’s holiday traditions that I look forward to every year. What are some of things you’re looking forward to this holiday season? Gone head boo…kick off your shoes and relax your feet, and tell me are you alone in the house Sydney? Wait…it’s definitely way past my bedtime.

The invitation is given.

– Me


G.T.D.

Turn my Music Up

I talked to a good friend of mine and we got to reminiscing about “the good ‘ol days”. You know…the college years. Back when there was no work or worries. Back when I was in the best shape of my life despite my strict diet of Amaretto Sours and Ramen Noodles. Back when you could go to sleep at 6am, make it to class on time by 8am, stay awake all day and STILL hit up the Que party that same night…all on an empty stomach. Whew…those surely were some good times! Wait…where was I again? Oh yeah…

So me and my girl were talking about how funny it was that the guys in college always had sex tapes in the radio READY.TO.GO. at the drop of a dime. They always anticipated setting the mood because they never knew when an unexpected opportunity to get the drawls would present itself. What most guys didn’t know was that us girls had our own sex tapes…of course we couldn’t tell them because *ahem* we didn’t have sex. Anyways we were cracking up at the fact that both of us had quite a few of the same songs on our sex tapes. I called mine “Fertilization At Its Finest”…and I should’ve made copies and sold them to students around campus because it definitely started AND finished the job. Here are a few pannie-droppas that every college student should have on their deluxe Get The Drawls playlist:

1. “Anytime, Anyplace” – Janet Jackson

If the sultry lyrics don’t do it for you, the title alone should send every pair of GAP jeans flying across the room.

2. “Slowly” – Tank

Ladies love being semi-forcefully taken advantage of by their men. Tank definitely let’s us know who was running this show. “Come on in, close the door, take off your clothes, drink some more!” Okaaaaaay.

3. “Sexual Healing” – Marvin Gaye

Now if you (or your boo for the night) were born in the 90’s then there’s a slight chance that you have no idea who Marvin Gaye is. Google him. Listen to him. Then let me know whether you’re having a boy or a girl next spring.

4. “Lose Control” – Silk

This group right here? Listen…when it comes to gettin the drawls, this group made some of the most well known horizontal-polka songs of all time. Get you some. Literally.

5. “Between the Sheets” – The Isley Brothers

They set the standard when it comes to nekkid time hits. The Isley Brothers can take you from hot, passionate love-making to hair-pulling marathon f*cking…all within a single song.

Now there you have it folks, my top five list of Get The Drawls slow jams. Whether you like the artists themselves or not, you have to admit these tracks definitely get your juices flowing (creatively…literally…sexually…whatever). Are there different songs that are must-haves when it comes to gettin that ruggy? What songs have I left off?

The invitation is given.

– Me


All I Need in This Life of Sin…

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“…is my Connection to VPN!”

(Corporate) Thug Life.

I never thought I’d see the day where I would actually be a workaholic. Where I’m at work more than home. I know what you’re thinking. “Her job must be off the chain! Non-stop fun. 3-hr lunch breaks. Outstanding benefits. And they’re paying for all of it.” Let me the first to tell you HAYLE no, this just ain’t the case! I have a regular job. Sometimes I’m excited about going in, other times I’m slashing my own tires to avoid all things office. The issue here is that my laptop repeatedly crosses that fine line between WORK | LIFE. That bitch is a habitual line-stepper.

Now I’ve always been a really hard worker. Even on the jobs I absolutely hated I made sure to give 150%, including extra woman hours. But things are different now. I’m a mom and a partner (no Rosie) so my I-know-it’s-after-5p-but-please-resolve-my-issue-asap-cause-it’s-urgent o’meter is constantly operating on half dead batteries. I’m averaging about 4 hrs of sleep and 2 mommy play with me’s a night. Believe me, there’s nothing worse than looking up from your email to see a pouty-face toddler staring at you with the utmost disappointment in her eyes. Yet I still work throughout the night…even now. RAHT now.

I am working.

I can’t be the only one with this issue, right? Are you a workaholic too? Join me, slave, let’s plan our escape together. Or gchat…if you’re into that. Anyways, I’m approaching that 4 hr mark…

– Me