Category Archives: Kids

Happy Holi-DEEZ!

‘Tis the season ya’all! Merry Christmahannukwanzaka – wait, did I get em all?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The tree is up, the gifts are wrapped, the gingerbread men are all missing at least one limb (lawd dey good), and we’re packing our bags for a much needed vacation to good ‘ol crime-ridden St. Louis. I can’t front; I’m super excited to be going back home for the holidays. One might┬áthink it’s because of the Chinamen that I plan on getting before I even get to my my mom’s house (yes, I will be placing my carry-out order right when we exit the Riverview circle onto 367 so my 1/2 order of ham fried rice and crab rangoon will hit the counter at the exact same time I park the car in the fire lane), but naaa. I absolutely cannot WAIT to see my family!

We are so close, my family and I. My favorite family fun time activity has gotta be our little homemade ornament/scrapbooking session. We pull out all of our old family photos and laugh and sing songs and…aaaaaaaah damn I’M LYING MY ASS OFF! Shiiiiiid I wish this was why I was excited to see the fam. Truth be told, I haven’t had a dose of dysfunctional ratchetasticalness in months so, just like Pookie, they owe me big. Man listen…I would break this all the way down for you but I only have about 10 minutes before this extra-skrenf Theraflu kicks in, so let me tell you what family traditions I’m looking forward to the most this holiday:

1. The Tales of “Sweet Dirt Hill”

See…my mom’s side is from the Souf (i.e. the South for all you free people)…the deep Souf…the red dirt Souf…the “kissin cousins” Souf. Ever heard of “Makeout Mountain”? Well “Sweet Dirt Hill” is my fam’s version of that very myth…only ours actually still exists to this very day. Er’body got their freak on over at Sweet Dirt Hill. These stories are what holidays are made of. Well, except for that one year when we found out that a Sweet Dirt Hill tryst was how my uncle and his fiance could very well be related.

2. The Cooking Contests

I admit, there are some members of my family that are extremely talented culinary artistes. My mom makes the best macaroni & cheese. Stean makes the best sweet potatoe pies. Granny makes the best greens. Tasha makes the best potato salad. Bette makes the best gooey butter cakes. Jack smokes the SHIT out of a turkey (the meat literally falls off the bone into your plate…or your mouth if you can bend down low enough to catch it). With all of these talents, it amazes me how every single damn year er’body wants to try to show off by making a bet that they can cook somebody else’s specialty better than them. Momma, what da HAYLE are you doing making potato salad? And dammit Stean where the pies at? WHERE DA DAMN PIES AT? Look I came to eat…I’on have time for this shit here.

3. The “Get Deez Janky-Ass Kids Away from Dis Damn Table” All Night Tonk Tournaments

The cards usually come out ’bout six-se’m ‘o clock. But don’t get it twisted, my momma has already hit me up for ‘change for a twenty’…mostly $1s of course (cause she likes to bet scared). Around 10pm, after I’ve given myself a headache from laughing so hard, I go to bed. The sugarplum fairies are twerkin’ their lives away when out of nowhere I hear the one line that lets me know the game is officially over: “Francine yo ass was ‘sposed ta throw down! Dammit I coulda spread with dat!!!!” It’s 3am. Ya’all broke asses just NOW decide to end the game? Francine wins every single time though. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I can’t e’em…

So there they are folks. Just a few of my family’s holiday traditions that I look forward to every year. What are some of things you’re looking forward to this holiday season? Gone head boo…kick off your shoes and relax your feet, and tell me are you alone in the house Sydney? Wait…it’s definitely way past my bedtime.

The invitation is given.

– Me