Category Archives: Relationships

Back Like the First Time

“Um I know this might be asking much, but do you have any back shots?”

Wait…what? I had to read that again a couple times. Surely this man doesn’t think that I’m gonna text him photos of my booty facing the camera when we haven’t even met in person yet. What planet am I on?

It’s been nearly 2 years since I’ve posted anything. So much has changed with me in such a short amount of time. My boyfriend moved in, I got engaged, called off the engagement, got married, ran a few marathons, got laid off, got divorced, and got fed up. Having been single for most of this year, I decided that I would try to get into online dating. After all, since I’m a single mom I figured it would be a lot easier to meet a new mate through my laptop (my chances of bumping into him at a boughetto day party like brown people do in all those neo-soul videos were slim to none). I set up profiles on four dating sites hoping to type my way into the heart of Mr. Right. Hell, in my head I had already planned out everything from our first interactions to my proposal. My profiles were only active for a few hours and I already had 20+ messages on each site from potential suitors! All I could think was “my future husband is sitting in one of these messages.” I WAS SO WRONG.

I don’t know what’s wrong with men nowadays. Do they not even try anymore? I mean, your very first message to me should not contain dick dimensions. And if my profile clearly says that I’m looking for a man between the ages of 32 and 40, then why on earth would a 67yo retiree email me asking for my hand in marriage? After deleting all the messages from the creeps, the elderly, the young gipper-gappers, the disrespectful niggas, and the men just looking for sex, I was able to actually chat with a few nice men. Long story short, I ended up exchanging numbers with this guy…the one who’s now sitting in my text messages waiting anxiously for pictures of my booty to come through.

I can’t believe he asked me for “back shots”. Not only did he think I’d send him some (which I didn’t), after I informed him that his request made me think he only wanted sex he had the gall to tell me that I “took it the wrong way” . FAIL.

So much for online dating…at least for now.

 

– Me


Doing It Well. Hopefully.

I’ve been finding every excuse in the book not to do it. I’m too busy with work. I don’t have enough money. I want to go back to school. It’s gonna take too much time. Blah blah blah. It took the passing of a high school acquaintance for me to finally realize that the only person getting in the way of my happiness is me. Life is so short. It’s even shorter than that. He might not be picture perfect, but it’s the he in “we” that makes me feel wonderful! Except when he messes up my tupperware cabinet. Then I feel nothing but rage. Wait a minute, I’m off topic here. So, without further adieu…

I’m planning a wedding…MY wedding. GOD help me.

 

– Me


G.T.D.

Turn my Music Up

I talked to a good friend of mine and we got to reminiscing about “the good ‘ol days”. You know…the college years. Back when there was no work or worries. Back when I was in the best shape of my life despite my strict diet of Amaretto Sours and Ramen Noodles. Back when you could go to sleep at 6am, make it to class on time by 8am, stay awake all day and STILL hit up the Que party that same night…all on an empty stomach. Whew…those surely were some good times! Wait…where was I again? Oh yeah…

So me and my girl were talking about how funny it was that the guys in college always had sex tapes in the radio READY.TO.GO. at the drop of a dime. They always anticipated setting the mood because they never knew when an unexpected opportunity to get the drawls would present itself. What most guys didn’t know was that us girls had our own sex tapes…of course we couldn’t tell them because *ahem* we didn’t have sex. Anyways we were cracking up at the fact that both of us had quite a few of the same songs on our sex tapes. I called mine “Fertilization At Its Finest”…and I should’ve made copies and sold them to students around campus because it definitely started AND finished the job. Here are a few pannie-droppas that every college student should have on their deluxe Get The Drawls playlist:

1. “Anytime, Anyplace” – Janet Jackson

If the sultry lyrics don’t do it for you, the title alone should send every pair of GAP jeans flying across the room.

2. “Slowly” – Tank

Ladies love being semi-forcefully taken advantage of by their men. Tank definitely let’s us know who was running this show. “Come on in, close the door, take off your clothes, drink some more!” Okaaaaaay.

3. “Sexual Healing” – Marvin Gaye

Now if you (or your boo for the night) were born in the 90’s then there’s a slight chance that you have no idea who Marvin Gaye is. Google him. Listen to him. Then let me know whether you’re having a boy or a girl next spring.

4. “Lose Control” – Silk

This group right here? Listen…when it comes to gettin the drawls, this group made some of the most well known horizontal-polka songs of all time. Get you some. Literally.

5. “Between the Sheets” – The Isley Brothers

They set the standard when it comes to nekkid time hits. The Isley Brothers can take you from hot, passionate love-making to hair-pulling marathon f*cking…all within a single song.

Now there you have it folks, my top five list of Get The Drawls slow jams. Whether you like the artists themselves or not, you have to admit these tracks definitely get your juices flowing (creatively…literally…sexually…whatever). Are there different songs that are must-haves when it comes to gettin that ruggy? What songs have I left off?

The invitation is given.

– Me


Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

What a weekend! What a weekend. What a…weekend?

You don’t even know the half of it. After finally getting my apartment clean enough to have company I did the one thing that I haven’t done in over 6 years…I invited someone over…permanently. Yes that’s right, my boyfriend has officially moved in <insert cheerful expletive here>.

It’s not like I don’t want him here, cause I do. But the boxes…there’s just so many damn boxes! And what the hell is even in ’em? RANDOMNESS…that’s what. Not just any old randomness; randomness that EYE have to make room for. He kept this white mini-flashlight, but tossed a cast-iron skillet (you need me to wait while you figure this out too? Ok take your time…). I don’t even know how to live with a man anymore. I know it’s the next logical step in the progression of our relationship, but that has nothing to do with cleaning up those freshly shaven beard hairs outta my sink! Anyways, while he was sleeping I got to thinking. Despite paranoia of falling into the toilet during one of my late night bathroom runs, I realize that there are actually plenty of pluses to living with my Love Lump:

1. He’s a human carry-all. From groceries…to trash…to me the baby…he carries everything up the steps and in the house. Now if I can only get him to put the canned goods in the right cabinet…

2. He’s a live-in exterminator. No matter when or where. When I scream, he’s there…shoe raised to the high heavens and all. Kinda like the Orkin man…if the Orkin man got paid in BJs.

3. He’s my personal life jacket. Okay so you know how when you have one on and you’re in the ocean and it feels like you’re gonna drown at any moment so you start fighting the water only to realize that your head never went below the surface? You don’t? Oh.

4. Sex. Deep sex. Floor sex. Jacuzzi tub sex. Kitchen counter sex. Oral sex. Hurry-up-I-think-the-baby-is-waking-up sex.

Wait…um…yeah, goodnight folks. 🙂

– Me


StrangerBitch!

“This ‘new’ Tracy? I don’t know her. I feel like we’re not as close as we used to be.”

Ouch. I had to compose myself…cause it hurt. Imagine hearing that from your best friend…of 12 years…over the telephone. I couldn’t believe it. I mean yeah, we don’t talk everyday like we used to…and sure when we do talk it’s mostly about work…but damn you don’t know me? Have I become a StrangerBitch?

I’m one of the only socially awkward extroverts I know. I’m told that I’m very likable yet I always struggle with getting others to like me. I’m allegedly a good listener, yet of all my friends I’m the Chatty McCatty of the crew. Polar opposites, right? Yeah…I know. This battle of wills is exactly what causes me to retreat into myself sometimes. Never in a million years did I think I had tucked my head into my shell for so long that when I emerged my best friend would render me practically unrecognizable?! I’m the same person I was before moving to Chicago, right? I mean, I feel I look I behave…well…damn. I guess when I think about it I am different. I’m more assertive when it comes to my personal life…I don’t take ANY shit (hell, my back is still recovering from being walked over for the last 20+ years). I’m focusing more on my career nowadays too. Not to mention the constant pressure on me to keep my Supermom cape flowing in the wind. Now I have to find the time to introduce (the new) me to someone who previously knew (the old) me better than me all over again?

It’s been 12 years since I made a friend…a best friend. Back then, she was the StrangerBitch. It all happened so fast! Who is she? Where did she come from? Is that how she dresses all the time? She likes sweet tea too? She’s kind of funny. We both recycle clothes that probably shouldn’t be recycled. Her eyes are from the Philippines, but that mouth is Naughty-by-Nawfuck! I think I like her. Yeah, I love her. She’s my sister from another mister. And here we are. Now that I’m the StrangerBitch, I clearly don’t plan on going through 12 years worth of brunch dates all over again that’s for damn sure!

Have you ever felt like you and a good friend are growing apart from each other? What did YOU do to bring the two of you closer together? I need ideas ya’all.

The invitation is given.

– Me