Tag Archives: humor

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

What a weekend! What a weekend. What a…weekend?

You don’t even know the half of it. After finally getting my apartment clean enough to have company I did the one thing that I haven’t done in over 6 years…I invited someone over…permanently. Yes that’s right, my boyfriend has officially moved in <insert cheerful expletive here>.

It’s not like I don’t want him here, cause I do. But the boxes…there’s just so many damn boxes! And what the hell is even in ’em? RANDOMNESS…that’s what. Not just any old randomness; randomness that EYE have to make room for. He kept this white mini-flashlight, but tossed a cast-iron skillet (you need me to wait while you figure this out too? Ok take your time…). I don’t even know how to live with a man anymore. I know it’s the next logical step in the progression of our relationship, but that has nothing to do with cleaning up those freshly shaven beard hairs outta my sink! Anyways, while he was sleeping I got to thinking. Despite paranoia of falling into the toilet during one of my late night bathroom runs, I realize that there are actually plenty of pluses to living with my Love Lump:

1. He’s a human carry-all. From groceries…to trash…to me the baby…he carries everything up the steps and in the house. Now if I can only get him to put the canned goods in the right cabinet…

2. He’s a live-in exterminator. No matter when or where. When I scream, he’s there…shoe raised to the high heavens and all. Kinda like the Orkin man…if the Orkin man got paid in BJs.

3. He’s my personal life jacket. Okay so you know how when you have one on and you’re in the ocean and it feels like you’re gonna drown at any moment so you start fighting the water only to realize that your head never went below the surface? You don’t? Oh.

4. Sex. Deep sex. Floor sex. Jacuzzi tub sex. Kitchen counter sex. Oral sex. Hurry-up-I-think-the-baby-is-waking-up sex.

Wait…um…yeah, goodnight folks. ūüôā

– Me



“This ‘new’ Tracy? I don’t know her. I feel like we’re not as close as we used to be.”

Ouch. I had to compose myself…cause it hurt. Imagine hearing that from your best friend…of 12 years…over the telephone. I couldn’t believe it. I mean yeah, we don’t talk everyday like we used to…and sure when we do talk it’s mostly about work…but damn you don’t know me? Have I become a StrangerBitch?

I’m one of the only socially awkward extroverts I know. I’m told that I’m very likable yet I always struggle with getting others to like me. I’m allegedly a good listener, yet of all my friends I’m the Chatty McCatty of the crew. Polar opposites, right? Yeah…I know. This battle of wills is exactly what causes me to retreat into myself sometimes. Never in a million years did I think I had tucked my head into my shell for so long that when I emerged my best friend would render me practically unrecognizable?!¬†I’m the same person I was before moving to Chicago, right?¬†I mean, I¬†feel¬†I look¬†I behave…well…damn. I guess when I think about it I am¬†different. I’m more assertive when it comes to my personal life…I don’t take ANY shit (hell, my back is still recovering from being walked over for the last 20+ years). I’m focusing more on my career nowadays too. Not to mention the constant pressure on me to keep my Supermom cape flowing in the wind. Now I have to find the time to introduce (the new) me to someone who previously knew (the old) me better than me all over again?

It’s been 12 years since I made a friend…a best friend. Back then, she was the StrangerBitch. It all happened so fast! Who is she? Where did she come from? Is that how she dresses all the time? She likes sweet tea too? She’s kind of funny. We both recycle clothes that probably shouldn’t be recycled. Her eyes are from the Philippines, but that mouth is Naughty-by-Nawfuck! I think I like her. Yeah, I love her. She’s my sister from another mister. And here we are. Now that I’m the StrangerBitch, I clearly don’t plan on going through 12 years worth of brunch dates all over again that’s for damn sure!

Have you ever felt like you and a good friend are growing apart from each other? What did YOU do to bring the two of you closer together? I need ideas ya’all.

The invitation is given.

– Me

Hi! I’m New Here. :)

So…Here we are. Me and you. You and me.

This is my very first blog post! Yet here I sit…with writer’s block. It’s so stressful starting a blog when you have no clue where to begin. I mean, what if no one ever reads it (besides you and me of course…cause you ARE reading it)? What if everyone reads it and decides that they hate it? I’m not sure I know what to put into a blog, but I can tell you what you probably will NOT find here:

1. Hilarious One-Liners: ¬†Cause I’m just not really that funny.

2. Relationship Advice: ¬†Cause I’m not really trying to get in your business. Okay okay…I’m lying. But I’m not going to post your business on my blog. Wait…well…yeah let’s just move on to…

3. Porn: ¬†*ahem* moving on…

4. Yourself: ¬†Cause…well…I can’t help you find you, that’s YOUR job! Feel free to peruse my random rants and raves while you’re looking though.

Well…I’m clearly sticking it to “The Man” by taking an extra 20 minutes of lunch time to write this, so out of fear of getting axed I’ll wrap this up. Until next time ya’all.

Enjoy your day!

– Me